Association to Promote Animal Smoking

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Squirrels in the backyard
Bill Fagen
Somers Point, New Jersey

I was having trouble with squirrels in my backyard.  They kept getting into my wife's bird feeder.  I tried everything to prevent the squirrels from getting into the feeder...but they just kept getting into the feeder.  One day, a friend of mine told me about a web site he had seen where it was all about trying to get animals to smoke.  Well, the gears started turning in my head.  I figured that if the squirrels in my backyard became addicted to nicotine...they would at least become to occupied with smoking to mess with the feeder...and eventually they would all die from some smoking related disease.

I went out and bought a pack of non-filtered cigarettes.  I figure the non-filtered kind would kill them off a might bit quicker.  One day, I set a trap for the squirrel in ym backyard.  I came out the next morning and he was trapped and banging against the cage trying to get out.  I've heard that squirrels can give you nasty bite...so I needed to think of some way to get him sedated.  I went into my medicine cabinet and I found a bottle of pain killers from when I had hurt my back.  I crushed the pills up and I stuck them in with some bird seed.  I fed the seed to the caged squirrel...and I was happy to see he gobbled up every last morsel.

Later that evening I returned to find the squirrel passed out on its back in the cage.  It was time to get to work.  I opened the cage and gently picked up the squirrel.  I walked over to my garage and put the squirrel on my work bench.  This would be a bit tricky...my plan was to place the squirrel in a specially designed box...that would let me teach it how to smoke.  First, I brought out my Price Club sized jar of petroleum jelly.  I then covered the squirrel from head to tail with the jelly.  Now that he was all lubed up, I could proceed with putting him in my special box.

I will elaborate on how exactly I taught the squirrel to smoke in my next letter.  To make a long story short, the whole experiment worked marvelously.  The squirrel picked up smoking like he was eating a chocolate-covered acorn.  I then had to put a pack of smokes out on my back porch every evening.  I could look out on my backyard and see 4 or 5 squirrels running around with cigarettes in their mouth. 

The whole plan worked great for a while.  Unfortunately, I hadn't thought about the best time for a cigarette.  The best time for a cigarette is of course; the first smoke of the day, or a cigarette after sexual relations, or the kicker...a cigarette after a big meal.  The squirrels would gorge themselves on my bird feed, and then just lay around under the tree and light up their cigarettes.  I felt a certain accomplishment...in that I taught a wild animal how to smoke a cigarette.  In the end though, I still had the problem of the squirrels getting into the birdfeeder.

Last week I had to take some more drastic measures.  I went to gun store right off the Cardiff circle, and I bought a powerful crossbow with a night vision scope.  I then sat on my porch in all black, with a black ski mask...I found in the attic.  I sat out there for a week straight, hiding out under an old pool tarp.  I shot and killed anything and everything that came into my backyard.

The squirrels are now officially not a problem in my life anymore.  The only bad thing to come out of my animal smoking story...is that I accidentally shot my neighbors cat, Starch.  My wife then confiscated my crossbow and threatened to leave me.  Thankfully, everything has quieted down now.  And Starch made it through the surgery just fine.

Bill Fagen