Association to Promote Animal Smoking

Cigarettes to Control Rodent Population

Washington, D.C. - Top scientists report introducing cigarettes into rat and squirrel societies to have positive impact on mankind.  After years of research, getting rats and squirrels addicted to nicotine would be an effective way to control the population of the city dwelling rodents. 

One top scientist, speaking on the promise of anonymity, tells of an exciting development for urban areas.  "Rodents and pests of all kinds, can most certainly be controlled by introducing them to cigarettes.  By first training and eventually supplying the cigarettes to said rodents, we will see a drastic increase of rodents dying from smoking related causes."  

It is has been researched that rodents who are given un-filtered cigarettes, become addicted very quickly, and will die away soon due to a relative short life span.  The scientists adds, "We all figured that rats and squirrels would be around forever and would probably out live us all in the long run.  However, as my research shows, by giving them plenty of cigarettes...the rodents will just die away and eventually be gone from the earth entirely."

One additional note, the research shows that one in five rats who smoke...will become infected by some mysterious virus that is very closely related to the Ebola Virus.  As for how this will effect their support for a rodent smoking plan, a top scientist says, "This bleeding virus can be also be seen as a very good way to kill off as many rodents as possible.  As far as we know, their is no evidence that conclusively shows, one way or another...that it could spread to the human race."      

Scientists are currently forming a non-profit group to share common research and to lobby Congress for support.  The APAS, will continue to keep the public apprised as to how Congress will react to the detailed research done by all those involved.  

Jack